The "Anti" Bullies

At first I thought, "this isn't my story to share." Then I realized that it is my responsibility to be a voice for my daughter. She is 10. She doesn't have a public voice yet, though I hope she will soon. I encourage her to speak her mind, but also to be considerate of others. To be polite. Sometimes though, being polite makes it hard to stand up for yourself. That is probably why she came to me tonight. Speaking haltingly, later crying, and finally sobbing.

"There are mean people in the world," I had to tell her. Not for the first time. What really made me angry, and why I am writing now, is the reason she felt the way she did.

A few boys at her school are mean. Not physically, but verbally. They make vulgar jokes, and call others names. Put them down. Make fun. Ratchet. Stinky. Uncool. No swag. Your momma... Your daddy... You'll never... You... By the time I was in high school, I couldn't care less, but I remember being 10. I remember how much words could hurt. I remember how much they hurt me, and how much I hurt them. We teach our children to be polite. We try to set an example that they can follow. Sometimes we forget. Sometimes they forget.

My daughter though is what some might call a gentle soul. The words hurt her. And that hurts me. I try to tell her how she can stand up for herself and for those around her. I want her to be strong, fearless, self-confident, but she is ten. Still uncertain of who she is, or what place she holds in the world. She dreams one day of being a teacher, the next a veterinarian or a botanist. She loves music, and camping, and bugs, books, and people. Sometimes she is shy around strangers, sometimes she is completely forward, asking questions that aren't polite, but asking them innocently. I love her, and it hurts to see her so upset.

She was upset about being bullied, but she was more upset that she might be a "bystander." This is the word we use for those who don't stand up for the victims. The word that describes the child who watches another get bullied without stepping in and saying, "stop, you're being a bully." The anti-bullying crowd is telling our children that bystanders are just as bad as bullies. They are telling young children that they should stand up for the victims, and if they don't, then they are just as bad as the bullies.

My daughter was sobbing. "I'm a bystander, daddy," she told me. Distraught that all she could do was stand beside another little girl. She told me she wanted to say something, but couldn't. I tried to explain to her that just being there for the other girl was enough. She had done something, and that was good. She knows how much it hurts to be picked on. She is a wonderful and loving child. Who has a deep-down strength that will one day give her courage. Right now though, at 10, she is not particularly courageous. As much as she wants to be, she needs to learn who she is. Kids can be mean, but they don't need adults telling them that they are bullies when they don't have the courage to stand up for those around them.

Theylook a lot like bullies themselves. Manipulating our children through guilt and fear. Instead of adults leading by being positive examples, they are acting foolishly then telling our children to be brave. Politicians, athletes, actors, musicians, and other adults are publicly shaming one another then asking children to be kind.

Draw your own conclusions...